Friday, June 10, 2011

My Eyes Have Not Been Open

(this is "our" farm)

"..How we behold determines if we hold joy. Behold glory and be held by God." (Anne Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)

"..The truly saved have eyes of faith and lips of thanks.." (A.V.)

" we behold determines if we hold joy.."...So, I guess I haven't been "beholding" rightly lately. I mean, I've been okay. It's just with the crazy move (bringing all our stuff from Kentucky), and that being our ninth move in 14 years, a month of unpacking and sorting, getting rid of stuff we've carried around for too many moves; the kids have been out of whack..not on a normal schedule, not sleeping as well; my emotional state (which some know to be a bit high normally) :) has been in a funk, I suppose to say it right.

Nothing has seemed "right." Not this lovely farm..I haven't been able much to see past the "old" smells, the "no putting nails in the walls", the carpet in the kitchen (really! why do you put carpet in the kitchen?), the "not enough space for my stuff." I guess I've been kind of stuck here, in the middle of the chaos of the move. And, then I suppose you could tack on the past year of our home not selling, the people in our past that live their lives like tornadoes (as Sara Groves puts it-"destruction follows you every where you go."), the adjustment of our second move in ten months..well, I could go on. I have plenty of "excuses" for being a bit "high strung" lately, for being a bit depressed, for struggling to get through these days.

But, I think it comes down to the fact that I haven't had my eyes open enough. There is beauty and life all around me. The other night my daughter asked if we could take some leftover dessert to our neighbors, and so I packed up the rest of the strawberry shortcake and she took it over. Later, I had a long conversation about her life and her cancer. Eyes opening. Is that why we're here?

The house is "in order" now-well, as much as it is ever for us. We had company for dinner last night. Dinner was good, the candles were lit, the praise music was going. There was peace in our home. Peace. Joy. In our little family, our simple farmhouse (with its funky brown carpet on the stairs-no, wait, is it green? who can tell?), there was peace and joy. Eyes opening.

Then I read this above quote today, and I ask God to help me behold. To open my eyes. To see past the last month..or six months of unrest. To see what He's doing. To remember how much we love being here..our church, our friends. To remember how much I've always wanted an old farmhouse. To open my eyes to Him. To open my heart back up to Him..fully. To let go...of my pride, of my resentment, of my discontentment. To love others and serve Him. To behold true beauty..the beauty of the Lord. In the everyday mundane. In the "less than perfect" life. Open my eyes, God, to see you. Open my eyes to look beyond me. For isn't that the real struggle? I get all caught up in "me" and then I can't see clearly.

So, maybe I never imagined nine moves in 14 years. Maybe I imagined I'd have more material possessions (or at least more expensive ones). (and I must add-in that dream, I was a lot thinner after three kids!) :) But, maybe I never knew the joy that would come from seeing the Lord provide. Maybe I just couldn't see that His ways are not only higher, but better for me. I see sometimes, and sometimes my eyes close. But, I KNOW I would rather be nowhere else. Nowhere but right here. On this farm. Surrounded by dear friends, who love me and live life with me. Part of a church family, who are like none we have ever known. With this precious family God has given me....loved and loving. Three children who daily give me joy. (well, okay, the boy has given me more headaches lately, but the joy is there..interspersed) :) Here with my husband who leads me to the cross and pours his love on me. Here is where I want to be. Here is what God has for me. Yes, my eyes are opening again....

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Conversations with my 4-year-old

Boy: "Mom, can I leave my shirt off when Tyler and Beau get here?"

Me: "Why?"

Boy: "Because I want to be cool." (as in hip!)

Me: "Nehemiah, you are already cool? Know why? Because you are our son and daddy and I are super cool."

Boy: "Yeah, you're like the coolest person I know, mom."

(I'm thinking he doesn't get out enough!) :)