Get Real!

(yes, that's my laundry pile...on a GOOD day!)

So, I have had several people mention to me lately that they enjoy reading my blog, and I admit that I don't keep up on it as I should. Honestly, as I have told them, one of my excuses is that when times are rough, I either don't have it in me or don't feel I have anything "worthy" of sharing. And, each time I have heard (paraphrased), "that's when you SHOULD blog." And, I know that, but I realize I am not as flowery as Anne Voskamp. Her bad days still sound poetic and her honesty touches your soul. I'm afraid all I'll get out is "Um...I'm a mess and my day was crappy!" And, can you even say the "c" word and be a good Christian? :) But, I think of what Milton Vincent said when he wrote that the cross exposed him for who he was, and now he has nothing left to hide.

Is that what I'm doing? Hiding when days aren't so pretty? Am I only wanting to show my best side? And, is that wisdom or pride? I guess it would depend on the day and the struggle. So, I will make an effort to post even when I'm not doing so well, if I can bring God glory doing so. If I'm stuck in my flesh, you're better off not knowing...I'm afraid to bring you down, too!

The last eight plus months in Indiana has been overall amazing. We feel like God put us in our little lake house and He has refreshed and encouraged us. The church He brought us to, the people He has surrounded us with. We couldn't imagine being anywhere else. We continue to be amazed at all His grace. And, it flows from these people we're surrounded by. Grace and mercy and humility. And, I am often brought to tears with gratefulness.

The past few months, however, have had their ups and downs. People from our past failing "us" again, and causing us to do some serious soul-searching, and dealing with hurts and even opening up new ones. And, struggling and fighting in our souls, and hurting and healing. But, God revealing himself more through it all. And, dealing with the stress of a house being on the market for nine months and having to find a new rental for this season, and remaining content through it all..and I don't always do so well.

My faith is so small. And, why? My God is so big. I KNOW that. I have been through this before. Really? The same struggle? I wonder how He doesn't get weary of me. I am easily tempted with despair..either over a situation or over my reaction to a situation. And, then the serpent comes and whispers "how can you even be saved? He must be growing weary of you. " And, then the words of that hymn come and fill my soul.."when satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within, upward I look and see Him there, who made an end to all my sin. Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free, for God the just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me." And, grace fills me again, and renewed hope. And, then I wake up the next day and sometimes it starts all over again. And, our pastor reminded us on Sunday..it's WAR. Satan is seeking whom he may devour. And, I have felt hotly pursued at times recently. (in my light, momentary afflictions)

The other day I told Shane I felt like God was holding me in his hands and "crushing me." And, then He speaks to me...no, not crushed. And, He reminds me of 2 Corinthians..."But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." He says, "go back to the cross, Kari. Carry with you my death daily. Preach to yourself." And, I don't...I listen to myself too much. As I tell Shane, "the voices are baaaaack." And, doesn't it seem that way sometimes, like the voices just keep going on and on and tempting you to despair and it's all you can do to fight them, let alone do your laundry and love others and serve your family?

And, so, that's the truth about me. That's real. But, as great a sinner as I am, He is a GREATER Savior. And, I keep thinking my strength has run out, I have no more faith, that I am at the end of my rope, and then I wake up okay again...with peace. And, it's all grace.