Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ick..Ugly Mama

I was an ugly mama this afternoon/early evening. Yep. Ugly. As in, not attractive emotionally. I don't know what really happened. I had a great day. Got to see my dear friend and her kids today. Nothing was wrong. Then...3 o'clock hit and I was done for. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, felt all the life and energy had been drained from me, and yet there were these three little ones...needing me, asking of me. Didn't they know I had nothing left? Didn't they know I was about to blow? Didn't they know I needed a break?

Right about that time, Mr. husband called me and reminded me he would be gone tonight to a church meeting, and oh yeah..could I cut his hair before he left? What? Didn't he know I was empty? Didn't he know I was stuck in a moment of self? Didn't he realize the world was revolving around me at that very moment? I don't think he did, but I have a feeling my FATHER did. And, as I seethed in selfishness and sin and fatigue, the world seemed to crash in around me. I cried, I pouted, I might have even stomped my feet in a tantrum. (MIGHT have)

The children went for quiet reading time, I finally opened my Bible. ahh. Could that be it? Was I not walking in the spirit because I had not taken time to fill my empty cup yet? ahh. Breathe. Pray. Repent. Lord, fill me. I am empty.

Well, the night got better and worse and then better again. Hubby came home, said he'd stopped to get me flowers but they were all wilted. Sigh. He thought of me, even in my ugliness. He rubbed my shoulders. Sigh. He loves me in spite of me. (makes me cry even now) He never asked me to cut his hair. I didn't offer...still stuck in selfishness. He didn't hold it over me. He loves me unconditionally. Humility.

I finished dinner, got grumpy at child at dinner. Sulked up to my room. Tried to read. Spirit wouldn't let me. Repented again to my FATHER. Grace washed over me. I then was able to extend grace to same child. She cried, we held each other. Our hearts opened up to one another. Ugliness gone. (for today) Hubby left for church. Haircut tomorrow. :)

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